i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
