I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
