This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
