i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
