mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I love you. Go after that dick
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