Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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