Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
