dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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