There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
