So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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