I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
