Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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