they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
