I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
