it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
