U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
