drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
