don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
