I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
