I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
