I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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