I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
And then my night got REAL pukey
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
