I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You have to summon your inner elephant
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
