don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
