i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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