If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
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