I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
