it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
