I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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