make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
