She is in my trunk
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
stop calling my apartment porn island.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
