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Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
