WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
