I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
