there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
