It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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