That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
