I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
