LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
