also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
