Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
