I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
