Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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