I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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