Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
