just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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