I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
