Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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