My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
