Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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